Dear Sasuke,
by devilinkneehighs
Summary: We do not know what kind of people we truly are until the moment before our deaths. As death comes to embrace you, you will realize what you are. That's what death is, don't you think?
1. Chapter 1

_Dear Itachi,_

 _I am so sorry I haven't been keeping my promise._

He'd written several of them; dozens of novel length memoirs of the highest and lowest points of his life, or short little bursts of his thoughts in the moment. He'd wanted to update his brother on things in his life that he was missing, spending countless hours poring over notes, letters, and novellas he'd never send; not bothering to agonize over sentence structure and similes the way a good writer should. He supposed he should have the decency to send some of them since the mutual correspondence he shared with his brother had abruptly halted in previous years. He missed him like a product that was pulled from the market. That's what Itachi was. Discontinued. But it was different now, and Sasuke had entered a crucial stage, full of the most complex uncertainties that the beginning of adult life had to offer, and he was doing it all alone.

"Is anyone sitting here?" Sasuke's internal fog dissolved as a scraggly, gruff voice called to him. He stirred slightly at the sudden interruption of his thoughts.

"Hmm? Oh no, it's open," he mused, dropping his head to balance on the back of his hand again. Although he was fully aware that his wrist would be uncomfortably stiff if he remained in that position, he stayed at his usual stillness, peering over his glasses to get a glimpse of the voice.

"Thanks, man. I had the hardest time finding this class. You'd think I'd have this campus figured out by now." Sasuke closed the book he was reading and shifted slightly to see the owner of the scraggly voice better, careful to leave his head attached to his hand to keep up his disinterested persona.

"Mhm," Sasuke said softly, attempting to end the one-sided conversation with another diminutive answer. He pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and took a sip of his coffee. He hadn't recognized the blonde from anywhere. He definitely would've remembered the distinct markings on his cheeks, which reminded him of the foxes he used to see as a child when he went exploring with his brother. The boy had an expressive shape to his bright, azure eyes, which Sasuke likened to the homework folder he had purchased that morning. The friendly stranger had impossibly long lashes that swept against his cheeks every time he blinked. His hair was longer than Sasuke's; nearly long enough for a small ponytail but not quite, with a few longer pieces in the front that enhanced the sharpness of his jaw and cheekbones.

"I'm Naruto, by the way," his lips curved into a tenacious grin, and his eyes had narrowed in a determined fashion, as if he was zeroing in on his classmate. "Naruto Uzumaki." Sasuke knew by now that "Naruto" wasn't picking up his leave me the fuck alone social queues, so he decided to entertain him with a personal introduction out of a mild curiosity.

"I'm Sasuke Uchiha. You're very outgoing," He mused, still refusing to meet his gaze directly. Naruto chuckled softly, running a nervous hand through his hair, which held its spiky position.

"I try to be," he smiled more sincerely this time, and Sasuke felt a small smile creep up on him, which he gave into with closed eyes and a bowed head. "So, what's your major, Sasuke?"

"Please, Naruto. It's the first day of class. You're going to hear that in a few minutes anyways." Sasuke rolled his eyes, lifting his head from his cramping arm, which began its familiar round of pins and needles.

"Aw, c'mon." Naruto shifted in his seat to face Sasuke head on, his relaxed smile yet to leave his appearance.

"English." Sasuke sighed, exaggerating the bored undertones to try to give Naruto the message that he wanted to just be left alone already. He'd already humored him by introducing himself.

"Cool, me too. What do you wanna do with that?" Relentless! Sasuke shifted his position to match Naruto's, faced him head on, and fixated on his cheek markings. Naruto timidly lifted a hand to his right cheek, covering the marks with a dejected look.

"I was born with them," he said, averting his eyes from Sasuke's scrutiny.

"Author," Sasuke replied curtly, turning his body back to face the front of the lecture hall, where the professor had just entered. Sasuke felt Naruto shifting uncomfortably in his seat, suddenly becoming acutely interested in the eraser on top of his mechanical pencil.

Naruto's sudden transference into a withdrawn, unspecified classmate suited Sasuke just fine. He wasn't on the hunt for new friends, and judging by Naruto's Nike sports bag, Sasuke could infer that he was just another dumb frat boy. But Sasuke's vapid analysis of his minute-long interaction with Naruto left little explanation for why he was in an advanced literature class, if he truly was the dumb jock that the writer assumed he was.

The class seemed to drag on longer than usual, with Sasuke dejectedly introducing himself to his fellow students as an aspiring author. He revealed that he had spent 2 years studying with the intent to be a doctor before realizing his "true passion for literature" or some other generic bullshit along those lines. At Naruto's turn, he lifted his head, expressing a slight fear as his name was called. His eyes appeared to dull even further as he stood, explaining that he was a local, and that he was studying English to eventually become a high school teacher and "make a difference" in underprivileged children's lives, which reeked of the same overused, feel-good bullshit that Sasuke's joke of an introduction had. However, Sasuke had a feeling that the aspiring teacher's reasoning wasn't contrived, and he, in-fact, truly resolved to be a teacher in order to "make a difference". He snorted, watching Naruto's hands tremble as he finished up introducing himself before sitting down again as the class pretended to direct their attention to the next student.

"You okay?" Sasuke teased further. Naruto's absent gaze darted to meet Sasuke's inky composure. A small smirk caught at the corner of his mouth as he watched Naruto clasp his hands together in defense.

"Mhm," Naruto whispered, seemingly unfazed by Sasuke's obvious enjoyment as he ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I hate public speaking," he explained. Sasuke turned his head to face the front of the class, bringing a finger to his lips and smiling softly. Sasuke was somewhat confused by Naruto, whom he deemed somewhat enigmatic. He had seemed so at ease talking to him, introducing himself to an obviously uninterested stranger and carrying on with fortitude for as long as the situation allowed. Was is some sort of guise? A fake-it-till-you-make-it approach to gaining a bit of confidence in social situations? Sasuke couldn't be sure. Maybe he would draw on his extensive psych 101 knowledge to understand his strange classmate a bit better.

"So…what happened to the confidence you had while introducing yourself?" Sasuke whispered, clicking the top of his pen repeatedly. "I mean it was obvious I wasn't interested, but you kept talking. And then you clam up in front of the class? I mean, what gives?" He brought the top of the pen to his parted lips, continuing his teasing drawl ceaselessly.

"I told you man, I hate public speaking. But if I'm gonna be honest, you just kinda stuck out from everyone else in the class. Not many people read in-between classes instead of being on their phone, ya know?" He gestured to Sasuke's abandoned copy of _Sense and Sensibility_. He took a sip from his water bottle, which made a loud hissing noise that made Sasuke uncomfortable when a few of the surrounding students whipped their heads around to see the source of the obnoxious sound.

"This is literally a literature class." Sasuke rolled his eyes, pushing his chair back and crossing his legs.

"Huh. I guess you're right," Naruto scratched the back of his neck. "Isn't that a chick book, though?"

"Your point?"

"Hn." Naruto smirked at him. "So…reading and writing is your thing…but do you play any sports?"

"Tennis, mostly. But I dropped that when I fucked up my ankle. It hurts way too bad to run on now." Sasuke felt himself warming up to the blonde. His disheveled voice was somewhat endearing, and Sasuke enjoyed talking about himself when given the chance.

"Tennis?"

"First you make fun of my taste in books, and now I'm not sporty enough for you? Damn, Naruto. You're not really winning any brownie points here. I've known you…" he checked his empty wrist. "An hour? And you've already insulted me how many times now?" Sasuke's eyes rolled, and he offered Naruto a rare smile.

"Aw, c'mon. You gotta lighten up Sasuke," Naruto played along. "But TBH that book is girly!"

"Oh my god, Naruto. Did you really just say 'TBH'?" Sasuke snorted loudly, attempting to stifle a bubbling fit of laughter. Naruto covered his face to stop himself from laughing loudly, peeking through to watch Sasuke's face light up.

"It was more for your benefit than mine," He smiled again.

"More importantly, what've you got against Sense and Sensibility? And anyways, girls love this shit." Sasuke leaned back in his chair, defogging his glasses on his sweater.

"Well, I haven't exactly read it…but you do have the 'sensitive guy' thing down pat. How many dates do you have lined up this week?" Naruto teased, leaning in closer as he whispered his taunt.

"Ha ha. I haven't been on a date in ages." Sasuke uncrossed his legs.

"Ahhhh, I see. You're one of those 'no one understands me' types that sleeps around because they 'forgot how to feel'," Naruto joked, emphasizing his words with exaggerated air-quotes.

"Tch. Quit exposing me." Sasuke made a dramatic face, slightly unnerved by his classmates alarmingly precise intuition. "And isn't it a little early in the friendship to be talking about my sex life?" He shook his hair to the side, picking up his coffee and finishing up the last few sips.

"AHA! So we're friends!" Naruto smiled lightly.

"Have the assignment ready for next class. I'll see you all on Thursday," Their professor dismissed them, turning to collect his things. "I'll be in my office till 5 if you have any questions."

"Shit. What was the assignment?" Naruto asked Sasuke nervously, watching him shove his things into his satchel.

"Relax." Sasuke sighed. "It'll be online. Partner and group shit doesn't start till next week. Anyways," Sasuke slung his bag over his shoulder and grabbed his empty Starbucks cup. "I'll see ya next class, Uzumaki."

"Wait, Sasuke." Naruto called to him as he turned to leave.

"Hmm? Sasuke mused, sticking his earphones in and picking a song on his phone.

"Will you be my partner for the future group assignments?" Naruto managed to get his words out without any nervous stuttering, although he couldn't control the rate at which his hands shook.

"There's that confidence again," Sasuke smirked. "Hmm…" He brought a questioning finger to his lips as if he was debating it.

"Aw, c'mon. We could do lunch. I'll probably need your help with studying for this class anyways. Do you like sushi?"

"Alright, Nart, I'll get sushi with you sometime. And I guess I can help you with your homework too," Sasuke slid his phone open and responded to a missed text.

"Nart? Oh god, that sounds awful." Sasuke caught his eyes with his, releasing the warmest laugh he'd felt in ages.

"You dislike it? I'll be sure to never call you anything else then. Maybe I should've made you beg for it a bit more. I am, like you said before, a sensitive guy. I've already got all these books down pat. My extensive knowledge of classic literature is pretty valuable." Sasuke smirked, readjusting his glasses again.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll take your verbal abuse in exchange for friendship." Naruto rolled his eyes, matching Sasuke's smirk.

"Ah, so we've graduated from classmates to project partners to friends all in the span of an hour?"

"God, I sure do hope so," Naruto dramatically batted his eyelashes and brought his hands to his cheeks before turning to grab his bag.

"But under one condition." Sasuke breathed. Naruto stood up from the desk and slung his bag over his shoulder, sliding one headphone on.

"Hmm?"

"You can't fall in love with me." Sasuke stared directly at him, eyes unwavering in their certainty. Naruto's heart leapt into to his throat. What could he mean by that? Could he tell? Did he think he was hitting on him?

Sasuke laughed after an eternity of internal panic.

"Holy shit, Naruto. It's from _A Walk to Remember_. If we're gonna hang out, you're gonna have to lighten up a bit."

"Okay, I'll admit you got me for a second. You really are sensitive, Sask," He teased, zipping up his laptop case. Sasuke's lips twitched in amusement at his nickname. It'd been awhile since anyone called him that, and something about hearing it in Naruto's scraggly voice was comforting.

"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. I'm a writer. I'm a romantic. A panty dropping expert. You couldn't tell by my sparkling ebony eyes and skinny jeans?" Sasuke adjusted his glasses, pushing them up the bridge of his nose.

"Well, maybe I'm giving you too much credit. Maybe a girl made you watch it and this whole "sensitive guy" thing is an act."

"I'll have you know I only cried for 20 minutes after I watched The Notebook ," Sasuke joked. Naruto lifted his hands in mock apology.

"Well, I stand corrected. You're so charming, Mr. Uchiha. As soon as I saw your sparkling coal eyes I knew I had to get lunch with you."

"Ebony, douchebag," Sasuke snorted.

"Dammit."

"So…do you have practice tonight?" He gestured to the Nike bag Naruto had slung over his shoulder.

"Mhm. I'm on the basketball team," Naruto continued to gather his things. "You should hang with me and the guys sometime. You drink?"

"Occasionally," Sasuke winked, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

"There's a party next Friday if you wanna come. It's at Braxton Hall."

"God, I should've known you were in a frat. I haven't been to a frat party since freshman year," Sasuke's shoulders dropped as he looked at the ceiling incredulously.

"It'll be fun, I promise. I'll introduce you to some people."

"Alright, alright. Let me give you my number," Sasuke pulled the pen from behind his ear and scrawled his number on the first page in Naruto's unused notebook. Naruto watched on nervously as Sasuke finished up his messy sideways scrawl. "I'll see ya Wednesday." He waved over his shoulder as he made his way to the top exit, and Naruto lifted a hand in farewell.

Perhaps he had misread Naruto slightly. Sure, he was a bit dim, that much was obvious. But Sasuke couldn't quite figure out why their conversation continued to replay in his mind over and over for the rest of the evening; in between shampoos, on his way to the convenience store for more Tylenol, in line for his third Starbucks of the day.

 _There was something effortless about it. When he spoke to me, it was as if the pressures that had been weighing him down were suddenly lifted. He was somewhat awkward, but in an endearing way. I admired that he took initiative and invited me to hang out with him first. In fact, I think it's the reason I decided to hang out with him. It was certainly unnerving to receive an invitation to see each other outside of class after only one day, but I think that's what was so enticing about it. It's funny, I never really pictured myself making plans with a sporty type- or attending a frat party after aged 18 rather- But he was able to keep up with me, which is the most important thing. Perhaps I'll find that we have more in common as time goes on. If anything, I can just avoid him if things go sour._

He finished his journal entry, staring at the inked page for a moment before he heard a familiar, gentle "ping" and reached over to his side table where his phone was plugged in.

 **FROM: Hinatitty**

 **Off work early. Drinks?**

He closed his journal and returned it to its home on the shelf above his bed, wondering if he was up for company that evening. It was a weekday, but he'd wanted to fill his best friend in on the kid in his lit class that he couldn't get out of his mind.

 **TO: Hinatitty**

 **Im not rlly feeling like going out 2nite. U can swing by. We can order a movie.**

He slowly typed out a response, internally debating a bit longer before hitting send.

 **FROM: Hinatitty**

 **I'll be over in 30 :)**

Sasuke contemplated whether or not he was in the mood to see people, but as he ran a comb through his hair and changed shirts, he felt a bit more open to the idea. She arrived a few minutes later than planned, greeting him with a cheek kiss as she dropped her bag and shoes at the front door.

"Hey, Sasuke." She batted her dramatic false lashes at him before making her way to the fridge to help herself to a beer.

"How was your first day of class, Hinata?" She turned to face him, grabbing a beer for him as well.

"Kind of mundane if you ask me. I'm ready to get out of this shithole town already." She handed it to him, and moved past him to sink down into cheap living room sofa. Not without me, he wanted to say. "My dad is still all over my ass trying to get me to talk about mom, and I'm just over it." She took several long sips of her drink.

"Has she tried to contact you?" He walked over to the living room to join her. She sunk down into the love seat and he dropped down next to her. He sipped his beer slowly, watching his best friends' eyes and hands animate as she talked about her family.

"Not since last week. I'm just like, kind of upset with her, 'cause it was kind of like she blind-sided us. I guess she's too busy planning her wedding." Hinata rolled her eyes, brushing her bangs out of her face and taking a deep breath. "Dad still has his ring on, and I keep begging him to just throw the damn thing away," she took another swig. "Or like sell it, and he just won't. I just feel like he thinks she's gonna come back, and I know she's not gonna. She made her decision." She stared into her drink, the dim, yellow lights of the kitchen reflecting on her bottle and bouncing off of her pale eyes. "And I'm just like, this is pathetic. It's been what? 3 years?" She turned to face him. Sasuke nodded, taking another sip of his drink. They sat in silence for a bit; Sasuke watching her intently as she tapped away on her phone.

"Sorry, Kiba's just wondering where I am," she muttered without looking up.

"You didn't tell him you were coming over?" Sasuke tilted his head, setting his beer down.

"Nah, 'cause it was last minute. He was gonna meet us at Earl's. Ah. Ok, sorry, I'm done," she placed her phone screen-down on the coffee table and finished off her drink.

"Oh, oops. My bad."

"Don't worry about it. I'm probably gonna head over to his place after this anyways. Shino is out of town for his cousin's wedding so we'll have the place to ourselves."

"Speaking of weddings…" Sasuke teased.

"Ha ha." Hinata barked a humorless laugh. "If marriage is the reason my dad's all fucked up, well… no thanks. Plus if I even mentioned it to Kiba he'd probably freak." She let her eyes glaze over as she pondered it, bringing her index finger to her lip and allowing herself a small smile.

"I don't think it's wrong that he misses her…" Sasuke's voice trailed off, and his thoughts cast over to his family. He thought of his brooding father, whom he hadn't spoken to in nearly a year, and his mood soured significantly. Hinata studied his face, watching him slowly sip his drink and mindlessly scroll through his phone.

"My dad? I know that." She huffed, dropping her chin down on the back of her hand, resting her elbow on her knee. "But I don't know what to do. My mom can't take me in right now obviously, and I can't stand to be near my dad."

"Then you'll take the extra room," Sasuke leaned forward and gestured towards the guest room down the hall.

"Shut up," Hinata lightly punched his arm, taking another sip of her drink.

"Hinata, I'm serious. If you want the room you're welcome to it. I was going to offer it to you sometime anyways. You're here often enough."

"Sasuke, I can't impose like that…not to mention Kiba would literally murder me."

"Hinata." Sasuke set his beer down and scooted closer to her. "It wouldn't be an imposition. You were saving up for your own place, right? I was looking for a roommate anyways. The rent is getting hard to pay alone, especially since I won't be working at the bookstore for much longer. And I don't care if Kiba sleeps over all the time as long as he doesn't leave his shit everywhere." Sasuke smirked, brushing a strand of hair behind his best friend's' ear as her eyes welled up in tears.

"Do you mean it, Sask?" she looked directly into his eyes, peering at her face reflected in the inky pools. Sasuke smirked again and nodded, amused that he'd made her tear up.

"God, I love you!" She giggled happily, wiping her tears with the back of her hand and tackling him in a hug.

"You're just lucky I guess," he looked up at her; her blue hair falling down around him and tickling his cheeks. His hands had unwrapped from around her and settled on holding her hips as she straddled him. She watched his eyes glaze over, and his mind disconnected from her as he thought again of the boy in his literature class. Hinata smiled knowingly and leaned back, allowing Sasuke to get back up. He picked up his beer again and drained the last of it.

It was another one of those movie-esque moments where he was certain his mind wasn't cooperating with his heart. It was his best friend, who had a boyfriend, and yet his heart snuck in a few extra beats whenever he was with her.

"I'm dying to know about the girl you're thinking about right now." Sasuke snorted in surprise mid-sip, feeling the beer go up into his nose. Evidently, his poker face had long since faded away as he watched the curve of his friend's chest rise and fall as she laughed.

"God, Sasuke, you must really like her," Hinata joked, giggling at Sasuke's sputtering. She set down her beer and padded over to the kitchen to grab a couple of napkins off of the marble counter. She returned and handed some to him, taking one and wiping at the drops that had hit the strands of his bangs.

"Ugh, god." Sasuke groaned, blowing his nose into some of the napkins. She continued to tenderly pat away the beer that had scattered across his face. She took her thumb and swiped under his eye to catch the drops that had fallen off of his lashes. They locked eyes for a moment, with Hinata shaking her head slightly with a soft smile and Sasuke struggling to breathe, but not from the beer.

"Now that your seizure is over, I demand details," she prodded, reaching for her beer and finishing it off. He cast the moments weakness aside, fearing acknowledgement would lead to acceptance.

"How do you know it's a girl?" Sasuke lowered his eyebrows, teasing his best friend as her eyes lit up.

"Oh my god! You're finally interested in a guy again? I thought that-" he cut her off.

"Don't be so hasty. I never said I was into him. I'm just kind of intrigued is all."

"What does he look like? What's his name? Where is he from?" She asked animatedly.

"Hinata."

"Ok sorry. But seriously."

"Well, his name is Naruto…we have advanced lit together," Sasuke began.

"Wait, oh my god. Naruto Uzumaki? Short, blonde, weird markings on his cheeks?" Hinata drew imaginary lines on her face.

"Yeah, actually. Do you know him?" Sasuke felt his glasses slide down his nose a bit.

"He was in my youth group at church. His mom-" Her phone buzzed rapidly. "Ugh, sorry it's probably Kiba. You mind?" Sasuke shook his head, and she brought the phone up to her ear.

"Hey hon, I can't really talk right now…Ya, I'm with Sasuke…we're just chatting at his place…mhm…no I can't tonight I have work in the morning…alright, love ya…bye." She clicked her phone off and set it back down on the table. "Sorry. He's so jealous of you it's hilarious."

"I really, truly, cannot imagine why," Sasuke muttered darkly, finishing his drink. He wasn't particularly fond of Kiba, mostly from the countless times Hinata showed up on his doorstep with black tears running down her cheeks and a broken heart on her sleeve.

"I'm sure it'll only get worse once were roomies," Hinata giggled, swishing her hair over her shoulder and leaning forward. "But he'll come around," Sasuke's eyes moved to the curve of her chest again, watching her shirt slip lower to reveal more cleavage. He shifted his thoughts to an awful zombie movie that he watched last week to stave off the growing excitement that was pressing against his jeans. She shifted her position to criss-cross applesauce and turned so that she was facing him. Why did she have to wear such low cut tops? He set down his beer and turned to face her, crossing his legs to hide his embarrassment.

"So, what were we talking about?" She paused. "Oh yeah, Naruto. So yeah, we were in youth group together and his mom would always make us cookies and shit. She was there for me when my parents started fighting really bad. She was great." She dropped her head to rest on her hand, reaching into her cleavage to pull out the silver cross she wore with utmost devotion.

"Was?" Sasuke attempted to hide the desperate curiosity that was leaking into his inflection.

"Mhm. I haven't really seen him or his fam in a few years. His dad passed away a few years ago, and they stopped coming to church." Sasuke nodded quietly, watching Hinata toy with her necklace for a bit more before returning it to its home between her breasts.

"God, that's awful…" Sasuke's voice trailed off and he swiped a thumb across his lips in contemplation.

"He never really talked about it. I dunno if he's into men though, Sask."

"I'm not into him!" Sasuke threw his hands up exasperatedly.

"Just as well. I blew him at one of our camp retreat thingies and he came so fast. He probably wouldn't be able to keep up with you."

"Damn, Hinata. You were a freak in high school," Sasuke's heart sunk a little at her words.

"Uh huh, sure. Well, when you finesse him into dating you, you'll have to invite him to double with me and Kiba. I'd love to catch up with him. God…it's been like…5 years?"

"Ha…we'll see about that. So, how's the novel coming?" Sasuke changed the subject, shifting uncomfortably. His mind had begun to play a scenario that involved both Hinata and Naruto, and he was starting to have a hard time controlling himself.

"Hmm…I'm not really sure to be honest. My dad keeps begging to help edit but I'd literally rather die."

"I understand how you feel, but wouldn't it be somewhat beneficial? He's won all those awards, so he must be doing something right." Sasuke nearly whispered with how softly he tried to suggest the forbidden subject.

"I've considered it, from a purely professional point. But I know it'd do more harm than good. Besides, it's something I want to do on my own. I don't want publishers to see 'Hyuuga' in the credits and just hand me a deal 'cause of it. I've gotta prove I don't need him."

"I know the feeling…"

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while. The rhythmic tapping of Hinata's manicured nails on her phone relaxed Sasuke, and he leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes, now thinking of how much he missed his brother. His excitement faded, and his rigid demeanor was able to relax around her once more.

"Are you okay?" She suddenly asked. Sasuke's body jolted, nearly asleep when Hinata called to him. He was careful to keep his eyes on her face only as she spoke.

"Hmm? Yeah, I'm fine. What time is it?" He rubbed his eyes.

"It's only been like 20 minutes." she yawned slightly. "Sask, you look really tired. Let's hang this weekend, ok? I'll have Kiba help me move in next week or so. You should get some rest." She stood up from the couch and walked to the front door. Sasuke slowly trailed behind, continuing to rub his eyes. "Dream of Naruto," she winked.

"Shut the fuck up, Hinatitty," he rolled his eyes, feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket.

"That's me!" she smiled, grabbing her chest playfully. "Text me if you need anything," she turned around and leaned in for a hug. Sasuke held her tightly, dropping his hands down to her hips and his face into her shoulder.

"Sasuke?" Her arms linked tighter round his neck, and she ran her fingers through his hair. They stood like that for a while, with Hinata's breathing slowed to match his.

"I miss you," Sasuke muttered into her shoulder, wiling away his excitement again. He desperately hoped she couldn't feel him wanting her so badly.

"I'm right here…" Hinata whispered, rubbing the nape of his neck softly. He released her, grabbing her hand and giving it a small squeeze before opening the door for her. "You'll probably get sick of me once I move in."

"Yeah, cause I've totally gotten sick of you before," Sasuke joked. "Kiba's waiting," He smiled softly, dropping her hand. "I'll walk you to your car."

"I'll be fine. Just watch me till I get in." Sasuke nodded, and Hinata bit her lip as if she had more to say. With a muttered goodbye, she slipped her bag over her shoulder and walked out to her car. Sasuke watched her intently, the faint smell of her designer perfume lingering on the front of his shirt.


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh, god…" Sasuke muttered, stepping into his shower and letting the water burn his skin. He turned on his shower playlist, ignoring the several text messages he hadn't opened. He desperately tried to get Hinata out of his mind for the remainder of the evening, but to no avail. It was a terrible blend of situational irony that he was experiencing _those_ feelings for his best friend. His hand moved down as he let scalding water run over his bruised, shuddering skin. It was a mess of feelings that seeped out from a pathetic cliché, and he couldn't keep his mind focused as his hand worked. His thoughts wandered over to Naruto's cheek markings and broad shoulders. He thought of the curve of Hinata's chest and her smooth pale legs. But then he thought of the deep indents below his brothers' eyes and he had to stop. He attempted to think of something, anything to finish, but his brain wouldn't comply. He remembered the last time he'd gone to his childhood home nearly a year ago. In a bout of painful frustration, he sunk to the tile floor, closing his eyes and tipping his head under the showerhead as his mind unwillingly recalled his most painful memories.

It had been nearly a year since he was last in his late brother's childhood bedroom. He was home from his first year of college, visiting his parents for the holidays. He paused outside of the door, his hand hovering over the handle. Would Itachi be ok with him going through his things? If only he were here to ask. But then again, he made damn sure he wouldn't be. After a lifetime of contemplation, Sasuke turned the doorknob and stepped into the room. Everything was just as he remembered it; black cotton sheets, a simple iron bed frame, a few posters of obscure concept art on the wall. He hesitantly took a few steps further into the room, his eyes flicking over to the closet. Itachi's clothes still hung the way they always had. Sasuke walked up to the open closet and reached out to touch the hanging fabric. He shuffled through a few of the sweaters, finally finding the last gift he'd bought his brother. It was the grey cashmere one Sasuke had given him just before he died. He felt his eyes well up as he pulled the sweater off of the hanger and rubbed it against his cheek softly, inhaling deeply in an attempt to find his brothers' familiar smell. Unable to smell anything other than dust, he resolved to keep it, careful to put back the clothing he had disturbed, before slipping the sweater over his head. It felt warm and familiar, although he had only seen his brother wear it a few times. He did another quick scan of the room, and his eyes caught sight of the bookshelf above his bed. He sunk down onto the bed, desperately smelling the blanket and pillow in hopes of finding any last traces of his scent. Unsuccessful, he reached up to the bookshelf and pulled down Itachi's favorite book, a tattered copy of _The Great Gatsby._ As he retrieved the book, a few of the other items on the shelf were knocked off and bounced down onto the bed.

"Shit…" Sasuke muttered softly, pulling the book down to his lap. He spent a few moments flipping through it, reading Itachi's frequent marginal annotations. For a moment, he let his teary eyes wander, until they settled on a composition notebook that had landed on the floor from the bookshelf fall. Curious, Sasuke put _The Great Gatsby_ down on the side table and slid off the bed. He picked up the composition notebook and glanced down at the open page.

 _Dear Sasuke,_

 _I feel as if the hurt in my heart will soon grow too large to bear alone._

Sasuke plopped back down on the bed, finding his place again. He recognized Itachi's perfect scrawl immediately; his eyes widening as he continued down the page.

 _I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take…_

"Oh my god…" Sasuke whispered, covering his mouth in shock. He flipped the book closed and peered through his glazed eyes at the cover. It was smartly labeled "Algebra 2", presumably to ward off any prying eyes. Sasuke's tears began to freely fall as he realized what he was holding. It was Itachi's diary. Unable to deny his overwhelming curiosity, Sasuke flipped to the front of the journal and scanned the page hungrily, desperate for the answers he'd needed for years.

 _Dear Sasuke,_

Why was his brother writing to him on every page?

 _It has taken some getting used to, but I really feel as though I've found "the one". I really can't imagine loving anyone more than I love Shisui-_

"What the FUCK?" Sasuke whisper shouted, sinking back down into the bed. "Itachi and Shisui were...Is that why he didn't come to the funeral? 'Cause he was worried mom and dad found out?" He furiously wiped away his new tears, accidentally letting one drip onto the page. He wiped it off with his thumb, causing Itachi's beautiful manuscript to smudge. He flipped further into the book, skimming the pages until a particular one caught his eye. It was written in red ink, unlike the rest of the pages which consisted strictly of blue or black. The page was also tear soaked, with several chicken scratches over misspelled words, and the usual neatness by which Itachi wrote was instead a messy, nearly illegible scrawl. He had clearly been in unfathomable agony while writing these pages.

 _Dear Sasuke,_

 _Shisui says I need to talk to someone about what happened to me. Like a professional, I guess. I don't know how I'd see a therapist without raising concern. I've always presumed myself to be well spoken and well mannered. I've always put everyone else's needs in front of mine. But lately that hasn't been the case...and I've been pushing you away more and more. I feel so guilty. I keep making you feel as though you've done something wrong. I hate myself for hurting you. I wanna die so fucking badly. I can't tell anyone about what happened. Even if I did, nothing would come out of it. He's is so well respected...no one would believe me._

"What?" Sasuke whisper shouted to himself, forcing himself to consciously focus so that his eyes wouldn't read ahead of his brain. His heart was pounding, threatening to leap out of his throat.

 _Shisui is the only person who knows. I tried to get him to leave me. He doesn't deserve to be with damaged goods like me. I just feel so goddamn broken. I'm probably not even making much sense right now...I might rip these pages out later. I'm having a hard time seeing through my tears… how pathetic of me. I'm supposed to be the sensible one aren't I?_

Sasuke bit his lip in anticipation, and he let his tears continue to stream down his cheeks in endless salty rivulets. Why was this addressed to him?

 _I remember feeling so fucking scared and vulnerable as he slid his hand up my thigh. It was just supposed to be an interview for an internship. I didn't know what to do, so I just fucking sat there. When he kissed me, my head felt like it would explode from the fear. I was shaking so goddamn hard, and he knew it. I think it excited him even more, that I was so scared._

Sasuke felt his heart bursting at the realization of what was happening.

 _He started to kiss me some more, and when I asked him to stop he just moved to my neck. I started begging, but he just kept ignoring me and continuing. I don't remember much of what happened after that, I guess. I've blocked it out. Except the pain. Oh god, it hurt so fucking bad. I can't forget the pain. I was biting on my hand so I wouldn't scream, and I bit so hard the skin tore. I told you it got cut on some broken glass, but I don't think you believed me._

 _It was probably only 10 minutes, but it felt like lifetimes. I closed my eyes and prayed for the first time in years just to beg God to strike me down then and there, just so it would stop._

 _I'll never forget what he said as he was hurting me._

His heart shattered. "No...he didn't…" his breath increased rapidly, and he began seeing double as he staggered to the guest bathroom, feeling his dinner come back up.

" _This will guarantee you the internship."_

When his body had finished retching, he sunk to the floor in agony, pounding the ground with as much force as he could, crying out in loud fits of anguish. And then there was near silence; the only noise his stomach rumbling in complaint of it's emptiness as he lay on the bathroom floor. He lost track of time, watching the unchanging yellow bathroom light until his eyes stung from overuse. Someone… Itachi had trusted...abused his position of power and hurt him so badly, that he felt like the only way to stop the pain was to just...stop all feeling once and for all. And who was to say Itachi was his only victim? Sasuke's throat burned at the thought. It was hours before he got up off of the floor, reaching under the sink for a few painkillers for the splitting headache he had. He watched himself swallow, his swollen eyes a stormy gray. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to finish what Itachi had written. It hurt so much just to imagine, and he couldn't fathom what Itachi had felt. But most of all, he wasn't sure his heart could take another letter addressed to him ever again.

 _When he finished, he told me that he'd fax over the paperwork for the internship straight away. I remember pulling my pants back up, but my hands were shaking so fucking bad that I couldn't re-buckle my belt properly. When I got home, I ran up the stairs past mom and dad and got into the shower. The water was so hot my skin bubbled, but I didn't care. If I had to skin myself to get him off of me, I'd do it. I scrubbed my skin raw. You asked what happened the next day and I told you I had a sunburn, but it was winter and you didn't believe me again._

 _He's probably done this to so many other people. I haven't even bothered to check if I've contracted something. Shisui begs me to take care of myself. He wants me to get tested and talk to the cops, but I know it would only do more harm than good now. I've started to treat him horribly. I can't think of any other way to get him to just leave me already. I wish I could forget it even happened, but every time I feel Shisui's hands on me I go back to that goddamn empty classroom, and I feel his breath on my neck and his hands holding me against that chalkboard wall. I can feel the metal bar where the eraser goes bruising my stomach relentlessly as he slams me against it over and over and I can feel my hand aching from my bite. Shisui keeps insisting I'm a victim but I know it's my own goddamn fault that I got in this situation. I've just gotta figure out how to cope with the consequences. I hope I can tell you this in person. To look you in the eyes and tell you the whole truth. But I'm not sure I'll ever be able to._

Sasuke's breath had shifted from hyperventilation to a complete halt. He gasped, feeling as though his lungs could burst at any moment. And then it hit him; the anger. He was so fucking angry at his father for making Itachi go to that interview. He was mad at Itachi for thinking it was his fault. But most of all, he was mad that this god forsaken letter was addressed to him when he was 13 years old. He remembered so clearly his middle school self, sneaking down the stairs to hear about Itachi's college experiences. Sasuke's blind rage bubbled, and he finally resolved to give into his pent-up frustration. In a fit of rage, he punched a hole into the wall, listening to the bones in his hand produce a sickening crunch as they connected.

 _Dear Sasuke,_

 _I finally worked up the courage to tell mother and father what happened at the interview. When I told them, father brushed it off and implied I was lying. He said he thinks I might be confusing myself into thinking something happened because I was so nervous going into it. He said he didn't believe me because he knows I'm not "one of those queers", so there's "no way I'd let something like that happen". Shisui cried when I told him. I know he wants them to accept our relationship really badly. I know that dad is right. I know it's my fault. I should've fought him off, but I just froze. I'm not sure what to do…_

"Sasuke?" he heard his father calling his name up the stairs. "What's going on up there?" Hearing his father's voice flipped the switch, and he bounded down the stairs at a lightning speed, clutching the book to his chest with his good hand.

 _Everything feels so hopeless, Sasuke._

"Sas- oh my god! Sasuke what happened to your hand?" Fugaku leapt up from his chair, casting his reading glasses to the side and running to Sasuke's side. Sasuke was visibly shaking, his anger bubbling up in his throat and threatening to spill out.

 _I have acted like the older brother you desired for one reason… because I wanted to discover how powerful you were._

"Is that...Itachi's sweater? What were you doing in his room? Mikoto, I think his hand is broken," Fugaku called to his wife in the kitchen, who was busily preparing dessert. She set down the bowl she was holding and hurried over to her son, her brows knit with worry.

 _You're much stronger than me, Sasuke._

"Sasuke what happened? What was that loud noise?"

"Don't FUCKING touch me." He ripped his injured hand from his father's gentle grasp, and his parents eyes widened at his rough demeanor and word choice.

"Now, wait just a minute, young man-"

"DO YOU SEE THIS?" Sasuke furiously flapped Itachi's journal in his parent's faces.

"Sasuke, calm down sweetie. Why do you have Itachi's old math book?" His mother touched his face gently, trying to calm him down.

"It's not a math book. It's his journal. It's all the fucked-up shit that happened to him before he fucking KILLED HIMSELF, AND NO ONE'S EVER TALKING ABOUT IT." He began hyperventilating, watching his father's face twist in anger.

"Sasuke! How dare you speak of your brother in such an irreverent manner. I will not have such language used in my house."

"YOU LIED TO ME!" he screeched, his voice cracking. "I bet you regret it huh? Not believing him? Fuck you." He shoved past them, snatching his keys from the hook and slamming the door behind him. He thought he had heard one of them call out his name, but he couldn't be sure as he revved up his engine.

Sasuke let out a low-pitched sob as he smacked his head against the wet tile repeatedly, feeling his forehead tighten under the pressure. He regretted letting Hinata leave.

 _We do not know what kind of people we truly are until the moment before our deaths. As death comes to embrace you, you will realize what you are. That's what death is, don't you think? I have told you the whole truth. I won't be able to ever again. I have always lied to you and asked for your forgiveness for keeping you at a distance because I wanted to keep you out of this... but now I think that perhaps you could've changed father, mother, and maybe even me as well. If I had only come to you from the start- looked straight into your eyes and told you the truth- then you wouldn't have found me, laying before you as a failure. But I want to impart at least this much truth to you - You don't ever have to forgive me. And whatever you do from here on out, know this: no matter what I will love you always._

 _Sasuke, I'm sorry but I don't think that I'll be able to keep my promise._


	3. Chapter 3

The steam of the shower seemed to only muddle Sasuke's thoughts further, and he furiously wiped away the tears that had formed as he finished washing himself. He wrapped a towel around his waist and grabbed his phone, making his way back to his room.

"Sasuke, you worry me sometimes," Hinata used to say, her brows knit in worry and her eyes clouded over. Sasuke had gotten used to her worrying, whether it be over his eating habits, sleep schedule or grades.

He struggled with the inner turmoil of being her shoulder to cry on when Kiba was mistreating her. But what would become of their friendship if he told her how he felt? If only he could tell her how much better things would be with him. But would they be better? Wouldn't Hinata rather be mistreated the way she had for so long, rather than dealing with Sasuke's tragedies? She'd already been doing her job as the supportive best friend, but the amount of pressure to care for Sasuke's well being in a romantic relationship would be too much to ask of her.

Could he be happy just playing his role of best friend? Or could he somehow have the courage to step outside of his own frame, become the man that Itachi wanted him to be, and the partner Hinata deserved.

He finished drying himself and slipped on some socks and a pair of black sweatpants that had been washed so many times they had become dark gray. Grabbing a water bottle from the fridge, he sunk down into the loveseat in his living room. He switched off every light except the ones above the bar, which cast a dim glow that reflected on the marble counter. He was having trouble remembering to eat regularly, but his stomach rumbled and he remembered that he hadn't eaten anything since lunch yesterday. Just as he raised his phone to order a pizza, he heard his door creak open. He jumped up, alarmed that someone had walked in without knocking, until he recognized the outline of the person's body.

"God, Hinata, don't scare me like that." He chuckled softly, slipping his phone into his pocket.

"S-s-Sasuke-" Hinata sobbed, closing the distance between them and wrapping her arms around his waist. "I have to.." She rested her cheek against his bare chest, letting her tears flow freely. Sasuke felt the droplets fall down onto his stomach, squeezing her tightly before pulling her away to look at her. He could just make out her teary eyes in the glow of the dim lighting.

"Oh my god, what the hell happened?" he flipped the light switch on behind her and moved his hands to her shoulders. He held her firmly, and she wiped her right eye, leaving a long smudge of mascara across her cheek. "Did...Kiba do this to you?" Sasuke's voice rose, and he felt his anger bubble up in his throat as he gently caressed Hinata's face.

"No, I fell…" She whimpered unconvincingly, pushing her bangs to the side to cover her black eye.

"I'm gonna fucking kill him," Sasuke dropped his arms and shoved past her, yanking his keys off the hook.

"No! Sasuke, don't." She caught his free hand just in time to stop him. His other hand hovered over the doorknob. He spun around slowly, grabbing her shoulders again.

"Why do you let him do this to you?" Sasuke yelled, shaking her and catching her eyes with his. She avoided his gaze, and he dropped his arms again, rehung his keys, and walked to the kitchen, running his hands through his damp hair in a desperate attempt to regain his composure. He made a futile attempt to steady his rapid breathing. Hinata walked over to the couch, sinking down and crying into her hands as Sasuke returned with a bag of ice. He pressed it to her eye as gently as he could, and she placed her hand over his, finally meeting his gaze.

"What is it?" He asked, refusing to break eye contact with her and she stroked his hand with her thumb.

"When you think of the moon, what comes to mind?" She whispered, leaning in a bit closer. He could feel her breath against his chin, and he fought the urge to drop his gaze to watch her chest rise and fall.

"What? What does that have to do with anything?" His words came out slightly more exasperated than intended.

"Just answer the question," she begged, her voice cracking into a low whisper.

"I think of...your eyes," He murmured softly as she released his hand and moved to hold the ice pack up herself. He moved to tuck her hair behind her ear before dropping his hand.

"The moon...reflects against your eyes perfectly. That's what I told Kiba before he..."

"Why is he so insecure in your relationship? It's not appropriate for him to be upset over your friends, Hinata. We haven't done anything wrong. This feels like I'm back in fucking high school, for god sakes." She merely nodded, and Sasuke used her silence as a prompt to continue berating her.

"Why do you stay with him? I didn't know it had gotten this bad. If I had..." The words that Sasuke wanted to say were caught in his throat like a fish bone. He didn't know how to tell her how he felt. He didn't know if he _could_ tell her. Sasuke turned away from her, running his hand through his damp hair.

"You're thinking about Itachi, aren't you?" she asked softly, leaning back from him.

"Hinata, you need to break up with him."

"Shut up, Sasuke, you don't really know anything about it." She shot back defensively, avoiding his gaze. She bit her lip, bringing her free hand to her chin.

"I don't need to _know_ anything. I can _see_ with my eyes that he's hurting you, Hinata." He snarled, gesturing to her eye.

"It's my fault, okay? He told me he doesn't like to hear me talking about you so much, and when I told him I was moving in with you he lost it." she muttered the last bit, readjusting her icepack and flipping it to the colder side.

"Hinata...you know damn well that none of this is your fault." He caught her gaze again, and she whimpered at his touch as he wiped away the streaks of mascara on her face.

"Whatever. We're working it out, okay? I love him and he loves me. It'll be fine." Her words sounded as though she was reassuring herself more than Sasuke. He said nothing, and he felt his heart leap into his throat. He wanted to tell her so badly.

"God dammit Sasuke!" she yelled, breaking Sasuke out of his trance. "Why are you reading his fucking journal again?" She picked up the tattered notebook from the side table, waving it angrily in Sasuke's face. "Stop reading this! It hurts you too much…" her voice softened at the end.

"I don't mind hurting. When my heart aches, it reminds me that it was real."

"Sasuke…"

"We were talking about you, Hinata. Stop bringing up Itachi." He ripped the journal from her grasp and placed it back on the side table. "Yes, I was fucking thinking of him. Fucking sue me for thinking of my goddamn dead brother."

"Sasuke!"

"Stop making me feel worse for not doing anything! I was fucking thirteen when he offed himself! You think I don't _know_ that I couldn't do anything to stop it? I didn't even know it was fucking happening."

"Stop putting words in my mou―"

"You're letting someone you love abuse you!" He interrupted, his voice raising. "You can change it or get the hell out of it! Itachi didn't have the luxury of a choice and he ended everything because of it! So you're damn right I'm comparing you to him." Sasuke stepped closer, yelling directly into her face.

"Why are you so angry at me? You think I chose to fall in love with a guy that beats the shit out of me?" She snarled, shoving his chest away from her.

"BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU, HINATA. GOD, WHY IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND?" He felt the vein in his forehead bulge as he screeched, unable to control the anger bubbling in his throat. How could he fall for such a stupid little girl?

"I just thought…" Hinata's voice cracked into sobs. "I thought that when you meet the right person...everything just works out." She dropped her face into her hands.

"He's not the right fucking person, Hinata. He's a piece of shit."

"It's not the same thing as what happened to Itachi." she looked up at him, her makeup smudged to create racoon-esque eyes. "He's not some authoritative figure that took advantage of me by abusing his position of power. I know you're hurting over him a lot these days, what with the anniversary of his dea―"

"Do you know why I read his journal over and over? I like reading what he said to make sure I never fuck up that bad again. I'm never gonna let the people I love get hurt again. So stop brushing me off when I show genuine concern for you. Stop punishing me for caring. Stop accepting this bullshit behavior from Kiba." He huffed, stalking over to the kitchen and leaned on the counter.

"You still think what happened to Itachi was your fault?" She got up and walked over to him, setting the ice down on the counter. "You're comparing me to him yet again? Blaming yourself for other people's choices?"

"If only I had known from the start...he was dealing with so much. He was in love with someone that dad wouldn't approve of, and then…" She reached for his hand, pulling him into her embrace. They held each other for what felt like hours; Sasuke's tears wetting her shoulder and Hinata's wetting his chest.

"Can you see now? Why I can't let you go on with him the way you do?"

"It's no one's fault but mine, Sasuke."

"Please don't tell yourself what he does is your fault...That's what he used to do…"

"I wish I could believe that. I wish I could stop being so terribly self indulgent and start doing the right thing."

"Then you should know…" he picked up his head to meet her gaze. "You deserve someone so much better."

"You mean…" she paused, inhaling deeply. "Someone like you?" Sasuke felt his heart stop in its tracks, and his mouth disconnected from his brain so that he was unable to formulate a coherent response.

"Hinata, I―" she interrupted him.

"I see...I see the way you look at me. A helpless victim like Itachi... I've wanted to say something for the longest time...but I hate feeling like this, and I hate talking about these feelings...and I hate crying about them even more." she lifted her head, dropping her hands from him and looking him in the eyes again.

"I know that there couldn't be a worse time than this, but...I have to say it. Sasuke...you should know―" She took in a shaky breath, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. "―that no matter what happens, whether it's me and Kiba, or me and you...from here on out, I'm always gonna love you."

 _You don't ever have to forgive me. And whatever you do from here on out, know this: no matter what I will love you always._

"I'll always love you too, Hinata. That's what friends are for, right?" Sasuke struggled to spit out the word _friends,_ which was the last thing he wanted to be with her. But he appreciated her transparency, at the very least.

"No, Sasuke, I didn't mean platonically." Sasuke's entire body exploded in fear.

"But I...you…" but she stopped his stammering by closing the distance between them. Sasuke's shock prevented him from closing his eyes, and he felt her tears hit his cheeks as she moved her lips against his. She moved her hand to the nape of his neck, forcing him closer as she worked. He moved his hand to her uninjured cheek and broke away, trying to find the right words to say. His entire body froze, and he felt as if his body would never move again from shock. Was this actually happening? The girl he'd loved for so long finally felt the same way?

"Hinata...why did you do that?" He felt his brain pounding against his skull, and his lips were pursed as they stung with the sensation of pins and needles. She _loved_ him!

"I'm sorry...I guess I'm just being selfish, kissing you like this, when I'm all battered and you're thinking about Itachi. But if I didn't say it now, I was never gonna say it. So let me say it again. I love you." And there it was again.

It should've been so simple; loving each other the way they did. But her words muddled his feelings further and he felt as though he was lost. Who was he when he wasn't her best friend? It had become integrated in his identity and their relationship. He felt his skin crawl at the idea of stepping out into unknown territory, despite his deepest desire materializing right in front of him.

Hundreds of thoughts disarranged his heart. He hoped the ground would split and swallow him whole, to prevent him from opening up his heart to such vulnerabilities.

"Hinata...I've wanted to tell you how I feel for so long―" He exhaled shakily, preparing himself to _finally_ express his feelings. This was it: his chance to _finally_ lay it all on the line. He took another deep, anxious breath to prepare himself, struggling to find all the words he needed to say for so long. Should he read her his letter?

"But that being said," she interrupted, "I can't just end our friendship this way." She chose her words carefully, avoiding his eyes. "Please don't ask me to choose…'cause it'll be him. God...I shouldn't have said anything." Sasuke felt his heart splinter the way it had when he read Itachi's journal for the first time. "And if you really do love me...the way I think you do...you'll let me chose my own path."

"Even if it doesn't include me?" Sasuke muttered, his chest deflating. He felt his hands trembling at her words, his feelings defeated before the battle had even begun.

"I'm worried your feelings for me will change if I part with Kiba. Will you still desire to protect me if I stop reminding you of Itachi?"

"What?" Sasuke hissed. His body shifted from disappointment to bubbling anger. "What the fuck are you even saying? You're in love with me and I'm in love with you and you're saying I only love you because you remind me of Itachi? Why would you come to me this way? If you knew my feelings...why would you act on them only for it to end like this? Knowing I was having a hard time with Itachi again? Demanding I stop comparing you to him but fearing that one day I'll stop? What the fuck is wrong with you?" He felt his heart accelerate at her words. Why would she say that?

"I know how selfish I'm being...stringing you along and holding onto Kiba as well. I can't be alone. I just can't lose you right now, and I'm not ready for you to love me back. I feel like you treat me like some sort of fragile doll...Like a replacement for Itachi because you're strong enough to protect me and save me like you couldn't save him. And I love you for it, but I―" she peered up at him again, her voice cracking several times.

"It's not like that! You want us to love each other and not be together? Why are you choosing him over me? When I've been here all along?"

"You don't love me as anything other than Itachi's replacement," she bit her lip again, her voice straining as if she was convincing herself more than she was convincing him. "I'm worried that when you stop seeing me that way, then you'll change. But I had to tell you how I feel."

"But It's more than that! ! I do love you, Hinata! I'm so fucking hopelessly in love with you, but you're not mine! And you don't want to be!"

"I'm sorry for dropping such a bomb like this, but I needed to say it. I want to help you overcome this obstacle, but I don't know how. And maybe when you do, we can…"

"I need you to go."

"Sasuke…"

"You come in here to kick me when I'm down? You say you love me but you chose your piece of shit boyfriend that beats you up over me? You call me a liar and say that I only love you to compare you to Itachi?" She remained silent, shaking as his voice rose. "I can't handle this right now. In fact I hope I feel asleep in the shower and this is just some kind of fever dream. If being in love with you means feeling this way...well I don't fucking want to be." He ran a frustrated hand through his damp hair. "God, I can't do this right now...I'm not…please leave."

"I shouldn't have said anything...I'm just traumatized from earlier...let's just talk about this later. Everything's okay―"

"I said get the FUCK out! God!" Sasuke covered his eyes with his hands, hearing her wince at his raised voice. She whispered his name once more, and left in a shaky haze, leaving behind her mascara trails on Sasuke's skin. He broke down into choked sobs, the scent of her designer perfume lingering on his body. "God, Itachi...I need you right now."

 **To: Suigetswhom**

 **Can I see you tomorrow?**

Sasuke typed the message on his phone rapidly, wiping away a stray tear that had fallen on his phone. He needed to see someone, anyone but her.

 **From: Suigetswhom**

 **Ya mans lets do lunch. Commons 1?**

 **To: Suigetswhom**

 **Kk**

It was hours before Sasuke could find sleep. His overwhelming exhaustion did little to help him rest, and he lay awake for most of the night, his eyes closed but his mind running amuck with thoughts of love and loss. Who was he without Hinata? Could he be happy just staying her friend? Watching her submit herself to so much hurt, when he had been there all along?

"God dammit!" He wailed, throwing the covers off of himself and slipping out of his bed. He shuffled downstairs and retrieved Itachi's journal, sinking down onto the couch and flipping it open to the page written about Shisui. "Did you feel this way too, brother?" He whispered to himself, carefully stroking the page as he read the blue ink scrawls.

 _Dear Sasuke,_

 _It's taken some getting used to, but I really feel as though I've found "the one". I really can't imagine loving anyone more than I love Shisui. When I think about him, I get so nervous. He says it's cute that I'm so shy around him sometimes, but I just feel like a blushing school-girl. I'm 19! I shouldn't be so giddy when he tells me he loves me. But when he says those three little words, my whole world shifts. It's suddenly only us. I'm really glad you seem to like him, Sasuke. When he came over for dinner last week, I was dying to put my hands on him and show him off to mom and dad. I think I'll have to ease them into it. I'm so glad that Shishui doesn't expect me to come out to them just yet. He's so supportive and he's always pushing me to do my best! I've really hit the jackpot! I hope one day I can tell you the truth as well, Sasuke. I know you think he's just my friend right now, but I hope you can accept us in the coming future._

 _All my love,_

 _Itachi_

Sasuke regretted reading his brothers words instantly. _This_ was the Itachi he remembered. The straight-A, knock kneed dork that brought over his friend Shisui that he met in his biology class. He remembered Itachi's radiance when he smiled in true happiness.

"Shit," he hissed at himself, sauntering back up the stairs and sifting through his sock drawer to find his old letter.

 _Dear Hinata,_

He wanted to read it to her in person, but he feared that the time to do so would never come.

 _I've wanted to tell you how I feel for the longest time. But I know you had boyfriends and I was dealing with my feelings about Itachi and I knew it wouldn't be fair for me to dump them on you like that. I wrote this letter to try to organize my thoughts on the matter, but I feel like, if anything, they've only gotten more jumbled._

He cringed at his amateur writing, letting his eyes wander a bit before continuing.

 _To put it simply, I'm in love with you. I always have been, I know that now. But it took me a long time to be comfortable saying it to myself. If you could just be patient with me, maybe one day I'll have the guts to tell you to your face...but for now, I'll stay by your side however you need me._

He couldn't bear to finish, and he angrily crumpled the letter into a ball before tossing it in the trash under his side table.

He was bothered by her recklessness. He wasn't sure what prompted her to confess to him at this point in time, and he was even more confused by her motives. What had been the point of breaking his heart twice in a row? Could she blame Kiba, her parents, or even him? Perhaps it was just her repressed emotions finally coming to light, wreaking havoc on Sasuke's heart.

He hated the uncertainty of not being in control. It reminded him so much of when Itachi died. The two most important people to him, hiding these secret double lives full of unfathomable pain. He wanted to help them so desperately; to be the savior that could take all of their suffering away. He pulled his journal off of the bookshelf above his bed and grabbed the pen on the side table.

 _Maybe some have the feeling cured._

He continued to scribble down his thoughts.

 _Maybe not everyone had to feel like this all the damn time. Maybe they didn't even want my help. If Hinata wanted me, then we'd be together. If Itachi wanted to live, then he would've lived. It's as simple as that. Our actions define us. Every choice we make right up until the present moment is who we truly are. I just hope I can live with the consequences of mine._


	4. Chapter 4

_Dear Sasuke,_

 _I've started to realize that this pain that I'm feeling will never go away. I'm sure you have so many questions, and I'm sorry that I've always had to give you the runaround about what's been going on with me. I'm so goddamn tired of living with all of these feelings. I've tried so hard to get better, but nothing is changing. I keep forgetting who I am as a person. I feel as though my identity has been stolen. I've ever been so existential as to wonder "who am I?" but that's been something I've been asking myself a lot lately. I guess I'm still a bit shaken up about mother and father brushing me off. I had hoped they'd be more understanding. I supposed I can't blame father for not knowing what to do when his perfect child isn't so perfect anymore. I miss them. I miss father's constant nagging for me to do my best. He hardly speaks to me anymore. At least when he was nagging me I knew he cared. I'm so sorry I can't tell you exactly what I've been going through. You keep having to deal with my mistakes, and that's not fair to you. I feel like a waste of space. I just take and I take and I take and I never give anything in return. I've been neglecting you so badly, Sasuke. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you as well. I want you to know that things will be different soon. You won't have to worry about me anymore. Please never forget how much I love you, Sasuke._

It was September, Sasuke's least favorite month of the year. The leaves had just barely begun to turn and the air was finally starting to burn his lungs during his walks home from school. He hated the detachment he felt during the numbness of early fall. There was no significance in these first few weeks of the season, and he had just begun high school. He had imagined something much more glamorous waiting for him. He supposed he would have to try harder to be social if he was ever going to make the rest of the ordeal tolerable. It was early afternoon, and the streets were bustling with teenagers excited about the weekend. His walk home was somewhat pleasant; he enjoyed the solitude it offered as he lumbered down the road. The crispness in the air made his nose sting and his eyes water as he passed his old elementary school. He spotted a few of the kids from his neighborhood and waved hello as he passed the playground to the crosswalk. He tried to keep to the right to avoid oncoming cars, annoyed that the shortest path back to his house didn't have any sidewalks towards the end. His hands felt a lick of moist, chilly air as he took them out of his pockets to change the song on his phone. He noted the greyness of the sky overhead. He likened the color to Itachi's eyes after he had been crying. The smoky clouds were uncharacteristic for how early it was in the afternoon, but he disregarded it as oncoming rain as he saw his house come into view. Entering through the side door, he slid off his boots and dropped his bag on the bench in the corner of the mud room.

"Mom?" He checked, hearing no response. He was used to coming home to an empty house in the afternoons. His father wasn't due until later that evening and his mother often took walks with the other mothers in the neighborhood while the weather was still bearable. Feeling his stomach rumble, he grabbed a cheese stick from the fridge and bounded up the stairs to his room. He heard soft, calming music leaking out of Itachi's bedroom as he walked by. Excited that his brother was home, he called out his name.

"Itachi?" He pushed his brother's door open gently and stepped inside. Itachi was resting on his bed in an unnaturally perfect position. His hands were clasped over his chest as if he were posing. "Ita." Sasuke moved further into the room, wanting Itachi to wake up so that they could shoot some hoops in the backyard until their mother came home to make dinner.

"Itachi, c'mon wake up." He closed the distance between them, putting his hands on his elder brothers shoulders and shaking him gently. Unresponsive and cold, Itachi's mouth opened slightly from the movement. Shaking him more violently, Sasuke's throat began to close up as he realized that his brother wasn't waking up.

"Itachi!?" His voice had turned frantic as he shook his brother even more violently. Itachi's long ponytail swished side to side as Sasuke shook him.

"Oh my god! Itachi please wake up!" Sasuke begged his brother frantically, feeling for a pulse that wasn't there. He dropped his ear to his mouth, desperately listening for any sign of breathing before running down the stairs and grabbing the home phone from its charging station on the kitchen counter.

Sasuke's phone was no match for his bath as he dropped it into the water, hands fumbling from the surprise of hearing _that_ song come on shuffle. He thought he had removed the artist from his phone, but the haunting melody that played as he desperately tried to revive his brother all those years ago continued to play in a garbled moan as he quickly fished his phone out of the bath. Leaping from the bath, he slid down the stairs; wet feet nearly causing him to lose his balance as he headed for his pantry. He dropped his phone down into his huge bag of rice and silently prayed that it wasn't toast.

He made his way up the stairs, shivering from the air conditioning hitting his bare, dripping skin. He let the water drain, toweling off and moving into his room to slip into another pair of his endless supply of worn out sweatpants.

His thoughts drifted to his conversation with Suigetsu from last week when they had lunch on campus.

"Maybe talking to Shisui would give you the closure you need," his friend suggested over his lunch. It was a futile attempt to console Sasuke's aching heart. Sasuke didn't believe that closure was a real thing, and Suigetsu's suggestions were just rehashed ideas that he had back in highschool. Everyone felt useless. He felt as though nothing would ever be resolved. The only person that had a thread of understanding was nowhere to be found.

 _She was never sure of me, but I was always sure of her._

He let his thoughts drift further, pondering Suigetsu's suggestions further as he paced his kitchen; his water-logged phone resting in its rice bed as he shuffled.

Sasuke hadn't seen Shisui in nearly 8 years. Itachi's funeral was a small, private affair held at the church they grew up going to. The Uchiha's had extended Shisui a personal invitation to the ordeal, under the guise that he was Itachi's best friend, and not the lover that Sasuke had come to know reading Itachi's final words. He questioned whether or not Shisui knew that Itachi had left such intimate details of their relationship to him. He hadn't known Shisui very well, but he knew that if he was in the same position, he'd be fairly uncomfortable that his personal experiences were written somewhere, being read by someone outside of the relationship. He likened it to Hinata's cousin Neji reading the journal pages detailing his fantasies about her, and the idea made Sasuke shudder.

He wondered if the romantic nature of the relationship was the reason Shisui had skipped out on his brother's funeral. Maybe he was worried that Itachi had finally come out to his family and their reactions were the catalyst that made his decision for him.

That's what drove Sasuke absolutely insane. There was no definite answer. It was just easy to blame his father for Itachi's pain.

He had picked up his phone countless times, pulling up his parent's numbers, clicking his phone off before giving himself the chance to dial. He didn't have the strength to face them. The shame that Itachi had left in his childhood home was too much to bear. Hadn't it been far too long to forgive them? For them to forgive Sasuke? To forgive Itachi? Sasuke had no idea how his parents were feeling, and he mostly didn't care to.

Sasuke had never considered himself an angry person until Naruto pointed it out to him in class one day while they were discussing Shakespeare's _Much Ado About Nothing,_ and Sasuke ranted about Benedick's fickleness. It was innocent; a childlike wonder in which Naruto was fascinated by Sasuke's passions and Sasuke was embarrassed he had let himself go so far.

He couldn't seem to get the blonde off of his mind. His constant cluster fuck of thoughts had begun to take its toll on him as he let his focus drift from Naruto's eyes to Hinata's thighs. Shaking his head violently, he bounded down the stairs to the kitchen cabinet and poured himself a glass of wine. He reached for a bit of toast and slapped some cheese on top, sinking down onto the couch. He watched his softened stomach rise and fall as he sipped his wine. Sasuke's strict diet and exercise regime had begun to falter in light of recent events, and he couldn't bring himself to maintain his protein intake or hit up the campus gym with his friends. Unfortunately, Sasuke knew that it was starting to show, which only depressed him further.

He finished off the bread and cheese, sliding open his phone and clicking open his Buzzfeed app to take a stupid quiz to remedy his boredom. Just as he was about to click on _Answer Six Random Questions And We'll Reveal Your New Celebrity Boyfriend_ his phone began buzzing rapidly with an incoming call from the very guy that wouldn't get out of his fucking head.

He debated answering, realizing it was friday and instantly feeling guilty for his plans to break his promise about the frat party. Sasuke gritted his teeth, exhaling deeply and picking up the call just a couple rings shy of letting the voicemail get it.

"Hey Sas, where you at? I texted ya but you didn't answer!" Sasuke heard the bumping and grinding of the music in his ear, and he shuddered at the thought of leaving his house tonight for any reason other than take out. Setting down his wine, he took a deep breath, wracking his brain for a polite excuse so as not to offend his friend.

"Hey Naruto, I'm so sorry I didn't respond. I haven't been feeling well lately so I don't think I'm going to be able to make it to the party. But I'll see you on monday, ok?" Sasuke bit his lip, hoping that Naruto's density would work in his favor and that he wouldn't detect the insincerity in his voice he so desperately tried to mask.

"Yo man are you good? You sound kinda off…" His voice trailed off, and Sasuke heard a female voice calling Naruto's name.

"Yep! Have fun! Bye." He ended the call quickly, tossing his phone onto the coffee table and picking his wine back up. He took a few more sips, until he was finishing his glass. And then he had another, and then another. Effectively wine drunk, Sasuke almost didn't notice when the doorbell rang for the first time. But then it rang again, and he stumbled his way to the front, his heart begging God for the person on his porch to be Hinata. He opened the door slowly, and was met with none other than his Advanced Literature partner.

Naruto was a very distinct and boyish handsome; his long blonde hair was sticking up every which way from the light drizzle of autumn rain that was beginning to wind down. His eyes, bright and cheerful, instantly dropped when he took in Sasuke's disheveled state. He pushed his way in, sans invitation, and Sasuke protested.

"Dude, what are you doing? I didn't say you could come in." Naruto walked into the kitchen, retrieving a cup from the cabinet and filling it with water. He walked back over to Sasuke wordlessly, and launched the water at his confused face.

"What the fuck?" Sasuke stuttered, shivering as the liquid hit his bare skin.

"Sober enough to talk now?" Naruto rolled his eyes, making his way to the love seat in the living room and beckoning Sasuke to sit with him. Sasuke followed in disbelief. He was certain he and Naruto weren't good enough friends for him to behaving so comfortably in his home.

"How the fuck did you get my address?" He sunk down next to him, running a hand through his dripping hair.

"Suigetsu's my weight lifting instructor. He didn't tell you?" Naruto shifted his body to completely face Sasuke. "So are you going to tell me what's going on, or am I gonna have to sober you up some more?"

"God Uzumaki what's wrong with you? What about your party?" Sasuke nearly shouted. He couldn't believe he was so attracted to someone so... _annoying._

"I don't care about a stupid party. We'll save my childhood traumas for another time. I'm here for you, Sasuke," his tone softened.

"Why do you care? Why would you go so far for me? You don't even know me." Sasuke shifted away from him, his words slurring and his heart pounding harder with every breath.

"Cause I'm your friend!" It seemed so straightforward. So simple. Sasuke's heart broke further as a tear slipped from his left eye, and Naruto's reassuring smile twisted to confusion as Sasuke dropped his head into his hands.

"God...I'm so embarrassing when I'm shit faced. I hope you don't hold this against me," Sasuke muttered, wiping his tears away. He was unable to look Naruto in the face.

"It's really fine, Sasuke. Do you want to talk about it?" Naruto's scraggly voice soothed Sasuke's pounding brain as he slowly lifted his face, forcing himself to meet his friend's gaze.

"God...where do I start? I'm worried about scaring you off. But maybe it's best I just tell you everything, and then you can decide. I won't hold anything against you. I'm just worried you'll get tired of me." Sasuke shuddered at his openness. What was it about Naruto that made him want to spill his guts?

"I can tell you a bit about me first, if that makes you more comfortable. I know vulnerability can be scary. I've just got this mantra I follow...to never give up. To never go back on my word. So I'm sorry if I come off pushy and demanding. I just like you a lot, Sasuke. I want us to be friends."

"It's fine. Can you go first though?" Naruto nodded his head, taking a deep breath.

"It's been just me and my mom for a while, now. My dad passed away when I was 17. We were on the way back from my birthday dinner. I had just gotten my license, so he let me drive…" Naruto's voice began to trail off, and Sasuke's heart broke at the realization of what he was about to say.

"Naruto...you don't have to-"

"And it was late. Someone had been drinking, and...well I'm sure you can figure out what happened." Naruto shook his head slightly. "I haven't cried about it in a while. It's really fine. I know my dad is ok up in heaven and stuff. But like...I worry about my mom a lot. I think she's pretty lonely when I'm at school."

"And so you live at home, then?" Sasuke pressed gently. Naruto nodded, leaning back into his seat. He kept his eyes locked on Sasuke's so intensely that he had to turn away.

"Hey...your eyes are grey, not black. I never noticed that before." Sasuke felt the scalp turn pink at Naruto's comment, and he internally cursed himself for letting his crush turn him into a blushing schoolgirl.

"I'm really sorry about your father, Naruto."

"'S ok. I've accepted what happened. God has a plan for all of us."

"Well why the fuck was it God's plan for my brother to kill himself?" Naruto's jaw dropped open like in Saturday morning cartoons, and Sasuke berated himself for being so rash. "God, I'm sorry. What the fuck is wrong with me? Have I scared you off, yet?" Naruto shook his head slowly, prompting Sasuke to continue with his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I know that's not even how it works. I'm a Christian too. I haven't been to church in years though." Naruto nodded understandingly, waiting for Sasuke to continue.

"Um...so I had a brother. Itachi. He was about 5 years older than me, but we were super close. He was my best friend. When I was fourteen, I…" A fresh wave of tears escaped Sasuke's eyes and he angrily wiped them away.

"Sasuke." He turned to meet the blonde's gaze. "It's okay to miss him. It's okay to cry about it. It's okay to be angry. I have the feeling that you don't really understand that. It's okay." Naruto's face was like smooth marble in its seriousness. Sasuke looked up through his tears, just barely able to make out the whisker markings on Naruto's cheeks through the blurriness.

"I found him…" Sasuke finally allowed himself to break down, and to his surprise, Naruto closed the distance between them and held him. Sasuke's concept of time skewed in Naruto's embrace. He had no idea why he felt so compelled to share such intimate details with a near stranger. Not even Suigetsu knew this much about Itachi. The only person who knew this much...wasn't speaking to him. Finally, Naruto released him and pulled away, waiting for their eyes to meet again.

"I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, Sasuke." Naruto's voice ached with authenticity, and Sasuke felt his heart heal just the smallest bit at his words.

"I just miss him more than I can admit…"

"I know how you feel," Naruto's eyes clouded over. "So badly, it hurts…"

"There's so much more I wish I could say...If I could get to know you better...please be patient with me." Sasuke ran his hands through his damp hair, shivering. He reached for the blanket on the lounge chair and threw it over himself to cover his bare chest.

"I feel the same way…" Naruto let his eyes flutter closed. Sasuke watched him breathe, marveling at his friend's beauty. Naruto's openness and acceptance of his heart only made Sasuke fall for him even harder. He had never felt so conflicted. The guilt of being attracted to someone else, when he knew he was in love with Hinata, was making his head hurt more than the alcohol. In his mess of feelings, he leaned forward, pressing his lips to Naruto's. Naruto's eyes fluttered open and he gently pushed him off.

"God dammit. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that." Sasuke's face turned bright red in frustration.

"No, it's ok. I just don't want you doing anything you regret, Y'know? You're drunk right now. But as long as we're being honest, I've wanted to kiss you since the first time I sat next to you in class, Sasuke. So please don't think I'm saying no. 'Cause I'm not. I just want to kiss you when you're sober." Sasuke's head began spinning at the poignant honesty of his words. And he thought Hinata wore her heart on her sleeve! Naruto was by far the most open person he had ever met.

Naruto said goodbye shortly after that, telling Sasuke he was glad he came by. Sasuke wasn't sure where they stood as he shut the door behind him, and he was still uncomfortable coming to terms with the vulnerability he had displayed.

 _Itachi,_

 _I feel impossibly close to him, as if our very hearts are connected. I've dumped everything on him and he's stayed! We've only known each other for a few days and yet he's accepted my past! Had we been separated before meeting and don't remember? I feel as though I've been waiting for him forever. He's confusing my feelings so badly. I feel like I'm cheating on someone that isn't even mine. But whether it's Hinata, or Naruto, or someone entirely different, I'm just glad there's people thinking about you still._


End file.
